I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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