I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
