I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
