go do what you do best...puke behind churches
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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