please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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