He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
