Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
