I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
