pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
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Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
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She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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