Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
