An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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