So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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