if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
