the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i love accidental penises.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
