I feel like I'm in dance class right now
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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