I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
