my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
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I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
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I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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