you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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