3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
