She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
