Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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