you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
