Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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