it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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