do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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