Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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