I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
