dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Randomize
