we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
