hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
