Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My hand turned me down
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
