i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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