the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
