how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Do vagina's smell?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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