I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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