Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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