I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
