Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Randomize
