i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
