I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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