Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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