I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
