apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
