I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
