Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
