why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
