I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
