i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
