If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
