So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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