you didnt know i had herpes?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
