Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
