Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
