new low.... made out with someone while peeing
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
