I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
