I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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