Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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