Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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